Friday, March 2, 2012

Pain & Isolation

I wrote a lot when I was young.  It was an outlet for me - a way of dealing with life and the world.  I don't remember exactly how old I was when I wrote the following poem, but I do know it was in my teenage years.  I didn't share my writing back then.  My innermost thoughts and emotions were very difficult for me to share.  I simply didn't do it.  It may have had something to do with how I grew up or it may have been simple teenage angst.  If my memory serves me well, it had a lot to do with feeling helpless.  My childhood was tumultuous and traumatic.  It was a time when I was victimized living in constant fear.  My thoughts were focused on finishing high school and, subsequently, moving far from that place I called home.  At that time, I thought life was going to be easy once I had escaped the dysfunction and the violence.  Little did I know that it would take so much hard work, reflection and many mistakes to grow past that experience.  Despite all I've learned, I'm a student of life striving to be a better person and to live the best life that I can.  It's a learning process.  At any given moment in time, there is something new to learn, to devour, to soak up.  At my best times, I'm at peace with myself and the world around me.  I enjoy my time alone.  Joy caresses me in those quiet moments of reflection.  There is something wonderfully empowering in being alone and feeling secure and connected at the same time.  I wouldn't be human, however, were I to deny my darker moments.  This illness has put a damper on my social life.  It has placed an invisible rift between myself and the rest of the world.  I would love to say that I've conquered this beast and that I have complete control over my life.  However, there are moments when it simply isn't true.  Sometimes the sadness creeps in and I'm painfully aware of it.  In this life, we all experience the gamut of human emotion.  Nobody is perfect.  At times, I grieve for the body that used to take me wherever I chose to go and for the spirit that never said 'quit'.  Today, many moments are filled with loneliness.  I tell myself it's okay to feel this way.  I know this, too, shall pass. 

drifting overhead
every now and then
shed a tear

~ circa 1982

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